View Full Version : Bottle Widows View

12-01-2003, 10:20 AM
Here is something I thought you would all enjoy, a little background on this is...

About 6 years ago I was the editor of the Melbourne Antique Bottle Club's newsletter which I did for around 3 years. Anyway one day I was struggling to fill a whole edition of the newsletter and asked my wife (girlfriend at the time) if she could come up with something I could put in the newsletter, now you must understand my wife does not have a collecting bone in her body and she took an objective view of what we all do and love.

This is what I published lovingly titled

"The Bottle Widows View

My wife Thinks that all us bottle collectors are nuts! Check this out!

One night quite a few years ago my new boyfriend had an idea that he would start collecting old bottles. Being young and innocent, I encouraged him in this new venture, thinking everyone needs a hobby.
What a FOOL!! Little did I know that my house, once the average suburban dwelling was soon to become the equivalent to the R.S.P.C.A. In the last few years every stray piece of glass, pottery and sometimes metal, once thoughtlessly discarded into tips or creeks around the countryside, has been adopted into my household.
You see bottle collecting isn’t just a hobby, it’s a sickness!! It takes the average Joe Blow off the street and transforms him into a bottle JUNKIE! - always after the next fix and never happy until every shelf, cupboard and bookcase is overflowing with orphans from the tip.
For all of you bottle widows out there who have accepted ‘The Bottle’ into your habitat, and learnt the rules- I salute you. For those of you who haven’t, I’ll give you a few tips I've picked up along the way.

Don’t put Pot-Pourri in his Salt Jars.

Don’t encourage your cat to go tippy-toeing through his Blob Tops.

Don’t use Ajax on his Pot Lids, (aah - whoops was that mark important!).

Don’t use his Show Beer Bottles as a rolling pin, (although it does make pretty patterns on the pastry).

If he wants to take you out at night, has a shovel in one hand, a torch in the other and suggests you wear dark clothing — be Suspicious!!

When it comes to displaying his bottles be diplomatic but firm. “No Dear, that Demijohn would not make a great coffee table ornament, try behind the couch!!”.

When he returns from a market, garage sale or bottle show with a big smile on his face — Be suspicious.

Never throw away a broken bottle without his written consent (in triplicate).

If he suggests an ‘Outing’ during the day and just happens to bring along his wetsuit and a metal probe — Be suspicious!! this invariably leads to you having to hike through thick bushland while he has an easy little paddle in a creek.

Also remember the Golden Rule. i.e.: Never say “But it’s just a bottle!!”.
So There you have it, my rules for survival.
Once I also thought a Seal was a furry creature that lived at the zoo; a torpedo was something fired from a submarine and a bottle was something to be taken lightly.
Elizabeth (Ed's Wife)."

This has now been published in nearly all of the Australian Club Newsletters, one in New Zealand, one in the UK and a few in the USA. I have this on my website now and out of all the research I spent hours upon hours compiling there this is the one article I get the most emails asking for permission to reproduce.



Harry Pristis
12-01-2003, 12:12 PM
Nicely done, Chris . . . amusing yet true. You did not name the disease about which your wife is cautioning. I suggest "pliopragmatic colligeropathy," which literally means "more things collecting disease."

I coined this term some years ago to describe the symptoms you describe in your piece.

---------Harry Pristis

12-01-2003, 12:31 PM
I think I found the coin,
here (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/floridafossils/message/85).

All jokes aside I went digging today with forum member IRISH and upon our return I got the standard response!

Did you find any bottles.

Well yes we found a few!

Are they any good.

We found a few good ones!

That's nice? where will you put them.

I think it would be hard to be married to a collector, far more entertaining to be married to someone who thinks we are all nuts