Funny joke, story, etc post

What does a 300lb. white woman and a bundle of shingles have in common?



There's a 90% chance they'll be nailed by a Mexican.

Click to expand...

[sm=lol.gif]
wow

ORIGINAL: OsiaBoyce

What does a 300lb. white woman and a bundle of shingles have in common?



There's a 90% chance they'll be nailed by a Mexican.

Click to expand...

Well I can finally say we have found common ground Pat, this is extremely funny and I will be stealing it for personal use....Thank You...

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 roll of toiletpaper
1 frozen dinner
1 can of pop
1 box of cereal
The woman behind the counter says, "so you are single huh?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "why would you guess that, because I am buying 1 of everything?"







The woman replies, "no, because you are ugly."

This is hilarious. It's 'The Count Censored'. Enjoy ...Ron

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM

heres a funny story-


ok,so an old woman had a husband named John. One day john passed away,and his wife put an ad in the obituarys. in order to save money,she only made it 3 words. "John is Dead." and the clerk said, "sorry, ma'am, but there is a 6 word minimum." so the wife revised the ad to say: "John is Dead,Corvette For Sale".





HAHAHAHAHA GET IT????????????????????????????????????

There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He woke with a fright in the middle of the night
To find that his dream had come true

I got this email I wanted to share. I couldn't stop laughing. [] [] [] I hope you get a good laugh out of it also ~

Why I Am now Divorced [blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]Last week was my birthday and I didn't[/blockquote][blockquote]feel very well waking up on that morning.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone[/blockquote][blockquote]' Happy Birthday.'[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]I thought....[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]Well, that's marriage for you,[/blockquote][blockquote]but the kids.... They will remember.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast[/blockquote][blockquote]and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office,[/blockquote][blockquote]I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,[/blockquote][blockquote]'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '[/blockquote][blockquote]It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door[/blockquote][blockquote]and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,[/blockquote][blockquote]and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me[/blockquote][blockquote].'[/blockquote][blockquote]I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]Let's go!'[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]We went to lunch.[/blockquote][blockquote]But we didn't go where we normally would go.[/blockquote][blockquote]He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.[/blockquote][blockquote]We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]On the way back to the office,[/blockquote][blockquote]Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...[/blockquote][blockquote]We don't need to go straight back to the office,[/blockquote][blockquote]Do We?'[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]I responded,[/blockquote][blockquote]'I guess not.[/blockquote][blockquote]What do you have in mind?'[/blockquote][blockquote]He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,[/blockquote][blockquote]If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom[/blockquote][blockquote]for just a moment.I'll be right back.'[/blockquote][blockquote]'Ok.' I nervously replied.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]He went into the bedroom and,[/blockquote][blockquote]after a couple of minutes,[/blockquote][blockquote]he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....[/blockquote][blockquote]Followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,[/blockquote][blockquote]all singing 'Happy Birthday'.[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]And I just sat there....[/blockquote][blockquote] [/blockquote][blockquote]On the couch....

Naked []
[/blockquote]

I like that Star[][]

Larry the Cable Guy
Talking about his moley sister!!


My sister is covered with moles.

She's got moles all over her face, bunch of moles.

And we used to call her "Old Moley." But she went down to church and got saved.

Now we call her "Holy Moley." It ain't funny, to be honest with you.

But she was feeling bad about her moles, so we figured we'd lift her spirits.

Took her up to the flea market to get her something nice.

And... We was up there...

She's already feeling bad about her moles, and then the night before, she got this horse

and it busted its leg, and I had to shoot it.

And now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound.

I don't know what you're supposed to shoot it for, but...

I guess it helps in the healing process or something. I ain't sure.

If it ain't better by next week, I'm going to shoot it again, I'll tell you that much.

But we's up there at the flea market-- My grandma couldn't make it up there.

She got arrested at the bass pro shop.

She was eating a corn dog and got the farts in there.

And they accused her of stealing a duck call and some stink bait at the bass pro shop.

Yeah. It's ridiculous.

She didn't even have any pockets on that nightgown she was wearing in there.

So we's up at the flea market, and my sister is feeling bad about her moles.

She's complaining all day long about her moles.

"My moles this. My moles that.

My moles, my moles." So we walk past this feller up there at flea market.

Got no legs.

All right? Selling boots.

That's right. Got no legs, half an arm, you know. One ear.

His name was Lucky.

So I told my sister, I said, "Listen, Dee-Wayne." I said: "You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You ought to be dog-gone ashamed.

Cause here's a feller got no legs, selling boots, "whistling, enjoying himself, "

and you is complaining about a few moles.

You ought to be thankful for everything the Lord give you." And she said, "You know what?

You're right.I should be more thankfull!!

You know I am startin to feel a lot better

Sure as a midget playing with a yo-yo she started smiling a little more.

As soon as we passed that feller there, with no legs, I heard him say to his buddy, "Good Lord!

Did you see the moles on that girl's face right there?" That's right.

True story.

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.









one more






After a beautiful late afternoon 18 holes of golf in Scottsdale, Arizona, a man decided to have a casual dinner at one of his favorite local restaurants, The Carlsbad Tavern. He asked his waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at an inside table.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and nine inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Seattle and Lyman Lake, South Carolina, and a winter home here in Arizona. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back."

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks." the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."