911 call

Why the hell do people keep chimps as pets?

Steven

they watched too many Tarzan movies as kids.

I don't know. A full grown chimp can rip your arms and legs off with out trying. They can bite a chunk out of you that would end your day. Plus they think if they have it castrated it is mutilation. Better his mutilation then mine.

We got a fellow over in Mobile who keeps Black Mambas, the most poison-es snake in the world. You have to register them with the state so they can keep track of them and keep the very expensive anti venoum on hand. He has been bitten so many times that he is imune to the venoum and he just puts a banade over the bite.

Some people are just not right.

Hey Lobeycat,

Oh my God! When I heard it for real my heart sank. I thought what good could come from a person treating a chimp as a human being and keeping them in their house sipping chardonnay, peeing in the toilet and logging onto the computer. I hate to say it but I literally laughed out loud when I read your transcription. I think you were meant to be a stenographer... For real.

Hey Cap,

Right on the money. Poisonous snakes and big toothy cats and chimps. Honest to God though I’ll take a snake bite from a purple mamba over being castrated, my heel and face ripped off by a chimp.

Now after you all have had your say I do have a bottle tie in to this. I bought a collection from a guy. He lived in a rural community about thirty miles from Milwaukee. He was a really nice guy. He wanted me and my wife to come over for pizza and to close the deal. When we got there they had a skunk roaming around. It was kind of freaky but I was like, “Oh a skunk how nice.†It was kind of not really aware we were there as it wondered randomly around but still how often do you get to see a skunk up close? It was de-scented so even though you could smell it to a degree there was relative assurance we would not be wearing par fume o skunk home. So, cool. Then they took us to see their other two pets. Up the stairs we went. It was a pretty nice house with a nice big upstairs bathroom newly remodeled. As we got to the door of the bathroom I heard what sounded like hell about to be unleashed. No joke it was an animal sound that instinctively you knew you were fe-d by the closeness of it and the unbridled hate in it. The guy just on my left (Farther from impending death) says, “Just don’t make eye contact with him and it will be fine†it was too late we were already in a seemingly endless three second stare down. I was staring into the eye of an Egyptian Lynx. It was a seventy pound pointy eared mountain line looking hell growl noise making cat with teeth on display. Big, yellow, pointy flesh tearing teeth. I was like really dude… really? At that moment even knowing what I know now I might have been willing to trade up for a chimp. Our dead lock stare ended when the guy I was buying the collection from yelled something like NO DEATH MUTILATOR/mittens and a waving gesture. We edged PAST the door and off toward the next of his beloved menagerie. We approached a big room. As we walked down the hall I was like what the hell why do they have a chain link fence in that room… then I saw it coming. It ran along the side of the ‘room inside of the room’ made of chain link right at me, I was like holy F I’m done. It turned sliding on the floor right at me and then ran up the side of the chain link enclosure sprawled across it and dropped on the other side into a narrow space between its giant cage and the wall. The way the cage was built it couldn’t get there without going from the room entrance side. Once where it felt comfortable the lil guy made it perfectly clear he was not taking visitors tonight by pacing like a thoroughbred horse before a race back and forth in that little space and making noises few humans who have heard are still around to tell about. By the fraction of a second it took that thing to get where it was it was pretty clear this was not a safe place to stand without a gun. That was a thirty five pound Bobcat. Sure you say a 35 pounder how scary could that be after the twice as big Lynx? Well, put it this way. You know how some peoples with cats houses smell like urine? That house would have smelled like poo… Mine… if it would have come a quarter of an inch closer in its charge to get behind the cage.

Turns out they used to let the big cat play with human dolls for fun. Then one of their friends was over and it picked a baby up by the head and bit another in the diaper. That was a story they told us over pizza that night… So you see they were just good fun loving pets. I have a picking up the pizza story from that night that is equally exciting for another day.

It was maybe 8 years ago… I did get the collection and still have one of the bottles. I was after two bottles. I sold one last year.

Steven

I have enough trouble taking care of myself, let alone a wild animal that can chew me up for a snack.

I know beendiggin, if people must have an exotic pet why don’t they ever pick one they can get away from when it goes ape like a three toed sloth a miniature horse or salamander? Those miniature horses are cool but they likely lead to more monkey pets. Because you just know once you have that little horse you are eventually going to wanna get a little monkey to put a cowboy hat on and have ride your little horse. Next thing you know your lil spider monkey doesn’t stop growing and pretty soon you have a 200 pound zanex gobbling pet chimp. So maybe not the miniature horse but why not the sloth and salamander?

Steven

A fish is the best pet to have. They don't eat much, they don't require much attention and long before you get tired of it, it dies and you flush it down the toilet.

See, Great Pet!!!!

What about good ole little spider monkeys? Nice size,cute,funny and can only bite small chunks from your neck while on your shoulder.I always wanted one of those when i was a kid.

I don't know about that Cap.my buddy Paul has a 7" black piranha that fish eats like a mean dog,and if flushed down the toilet it would clog it! [8D]