Funny joke, story, etc post

[RedGinger]

I guess that guy has to make sure he wears the same shirt to work every day! lol

 

[cyberdigger]

Yeah, but he can change his pants any time.. []

 

[ktbi]

These are called mondegreens and are misunderstood song lyrics..Pulled them off a website and wanted to share....Ron

All my luggage, I will send to you.

Actual lyric: All my loving, I will send to you.
(Beatles)
​

Are you going to starve an old friend?

Actual lyric: Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
(Simon & Garfunkel)
​

A weenie wack a weenie wack a weenie wack.

Actual lyric: Wee-ooh wim-o-weh. Wee-ooh wim-o-weh.
(Tokens "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")
​

Baby come back, you can play Monopoly.

Actual lyric: Baby come back, you can blame it all on me.
(Player "Baby Come Back")
​

Baking carrot biscuits.

Actual lyric:Taking care of business.
(Bachman-Turner Overdrive "Takin Care Of Business")​

Tape it to a biscuit.

Actual lyric: Taking care of business.
(Bachman-Turner Overdrive "Takin Care Of Business")
​

Bald headed woman.

Actual lyric:More than a woman.
(Bee Gees)
​

Four-legged woman.

Actual lyric:More than a woman.
(Bee Gees)
​

Big girl, small fry.

Actual lyric:Big girls don't cry.
(The Four Seasons)
​

Big ole Jed had a light on.

Actual lyric:Big old jet airliner.
(Steve Miller Band)
​

Pick out Jed from the line-up.

Actual lyric:Big old jet airliner.
(Steve Miller Band)
​

The bride bless the day, the dogs say goodnight.

Actual lyric: The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night.
​

Bringing in the sheets.

Actual lyric: Bringing in the sheaves.
(Hymn)
​

Carryin' beans, now we're sharin' the same jeans.

Actual lyric: Carribean Queen, now we're sharing the same dreams.
(Billy Ocean)
​

Climb every mountain.

Actual lyric: I'm every woman.
(Whitney Houston)
​

Come and let me tell you 'bout my bed spread.

Actual lyric: People let me tell you 'bout my best friend.
(Theme from the TV Show, "Courtship of Eddie's Father")
​

Come shave my heart.

Actual lyric:Unchain my heart.
(Ray Charles)
​

Dirty deeds and the thunder chiefs.

Actual lyric:Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap.
(ACDC)​

Dirty deeds done to sheep.

Actual lyric:Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap.
(ACDC)
​

Do a little dance, make a little rum, Italian Ice! Italian Ice!

Actual lyric:Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, get down tonight.
(KC & The Sunshine Band "Do A Little Dance")
​

Do the lucky lady.

Actual lyric:Dude looks like a lady.
(Aerosmith)
​

Donuts make my brown eyes blue.

Actual lyric:Don't it make my brown eyes blue.
(Crystal Gale)
​

Every time you go away you take a piece of meat with you.

Actual lyric:Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you.
(Paul Young)​

Ghost man so close to me.

Actual lyric:
Don't stand so close to me.
(The Police)
​

Give me the Beach Boys and free my soul.

Actual lyric:Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul.
(Dobie Gray "Drift Away")
​

Goin' to the Jack-O-Lantern, gonna get married.

Actual lyric:Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married.
(Dixie Cups, "Chapel of Love")
​

Got a lot of lucky peanuts.

Actual lyric:Got a lot of love between us.
(Frankie Vallee and the Four Seasons)
​

Good-bye yellow brick road
There's a dark cloud inside of the house.

Actual lyric:So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl.
(Elton John)
​

Ham on rye.

Actual lyric: I'm alright.
(Kenny Loggins)
​

Hang on stupid.

Actual lyric: Hang on, Sloopy.
(The McCoys)
​

Happy as a rafter in the market place.

Actual lyric: Happy ever after in the market place.
(Beatles "Ob la di")
​

Hold me closer, Tony Danza
Count the head lice on the highway.

Actual lyric: Hold me closer, tiny dancer.
(Elton John "Tiny Dancer")
​

Home, where my love lies waiting, Simon, weep for me.

Actual lyric: Home, where my love lies waiting, silently for me.
(Simon & Garfunkel "Homeward Bound")
​

Hope the city voted for you.

Actual lyric: Hopelessly devoted to you.
(Grease soundtrack)
​

How's about a date?

Actual lyric: Eyes without a face.
(Billy Idol "Eyes Without a Face")
​

I can see clearly now the rain has gone.
I can see all life's fickles in the way

Actual lyric: I can see clearly now the rain has gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
(Jimmy Cliff)
​

I can't climb this ceiling any more.

Actual lyric:I can't fight this feeling anymore.
(REO Speedwagon "I can't fight this feeling")
​

I, I, I, I sing in the light, sing in the light.

Actual lyric:Stayin' Alive, Stayin' alive.
(Bee Gees)
​

I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot him dead you see.

Actual lyric:I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy.
(Eric Clapton)
​

I wanna die!

Actual lyric:Oh, what a night!
(The Four Seasons, "December 1963 (Oh What a Night)")
​

I wanna know
Have you ever seen Loraine?

Actual lyric:I wanna know
Have you ever seen the rain?
(Creedence Clearwater Revival)
​

I want a new truck.

Actual lyric:I want a new drug.
(Huey Lewis & the News)
​

I was so mad!

Actual lyric:I'm a soul man.
(Blues Brothers)
​

I wonder, wonder, who,
who rode the moo-cow now?

Actual lyric:I wonder, wonder, who,
who wrote the book of love?
(The Monotones "Book of Love")
​

I'll give you diamond Sprite!

Actual lyric:I'll give you diamonds bright.
(The Yardbirds "For Your Love")
​

I'll never leave your pizza burning.

Actual lyric:I'll never be your beast of burden.
(Rolling Stones)​

I'm 264 my shirt, 264 my shirt, 264.

Actual lyric:I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt.
(Right Said Fred "I'm Too Sexy")
​

I'm a pool hall ace.

Actual lyric:My poor heart aches.
(The Police "Every Step You Take")
​

I'm just a squirrel.

Actual lyric:I'm just a girl.
(No Doubt)
​

I'm not talking 'bout Bolivia.

Actual lyric:I'm not talking 'bout moving in.
(John Ford Collie "Really Love to See You Tonight")
​

I've been haulin' ass so long.

Actual lyric:I've been holding out so long.
(Rolling Stones "Miss You")​

I've got a new pair of shoes.

Actual lyric:I've got a new attitude.
(Patti LaBelle)​

In-a-gadda-da-vita . . .

Actual lyric:In the garden of Eden, honey.
(Iron Butterfly)
The band, themselves, while drunk in 1968, botched the lyrics, and decided to keep them this way.
​

I'm the god of Velveeta, honey.

Actual lyric:In the garden of Eden, honey.
(Iron Butterfly)
​

Jay, Jay, Jay; Jay you're cool

Actual lyric:Chain, chain, chain, chain of fools.
(Aretha Franklin "Chain of Fools")
​

Jim Dandy ate the red stew

Actual lyric:Jim Dandy to the rescue.
(Black Oak Arkansas)
​

Jose can you see?

Actual lyric:O, Say can you see?
(The Star Spangled Banner)
​

Just brush my teeth before you leave me, baby.

Actual lyric:Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
(Juice Newton "Angel of the Morning")
​

Just like a one-winged dove.

Actual lyric:Just like a white winged dove.
(Stevie Nicks)
​

Knee deep in doughnuts, children at your feet.

Actual lyric: Lady Madonna, children at your feet.
(The Beatles)
​

Let Milo open the door.

Actual lyric: Let my love open the door.
(Pete Townsend, The Who)
​

Last night I dreamt of some bagels.

Actual lyric:Last night I dreamt of San Pedro.
​

Life ain't nothing but a seven dollar fiddle.

Actual lyric:Life ain't nothing but a funny funny riddle.
(John Denver)
​

Life in the Vaseline.

Actual lyric:Life in the fast lane.
(Eagles)
​

Look into my butterflies.

Actual lyric:Look into my father's eyes.
(Eric Clapton, "My Father's Eyes"
​

Looks like tomatoes

Actual lyric:Looks like we made it.
(Barry Mannilow)
​

Love is a big, fat quivering slug.

Actual lyric:Love is a big, fat river in flood.
(Sting "Love Is Stronger Than Justice")
​

Maerzee dotes and dozee dotes and little lamsee divey
a kiddle ee iveetoo, wouldn't you?

Actual lyric:Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy,
A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you?
(Children's Song)
The "misunderstood" lyrics here are actually correct. The song is gibberish. It is meant to teach a child enunciate when learning to sing/speak.
​

Maybe I'll play cards and be as fast as you.

Actual lyric: Maybe I'll break hearts and be as fast as you.
(Dwight Yokum)
​

Michelle, Ma Belle,
Sunday Monkey Play No Piano Song,
No Piano Song.

Actual lyric:Michelle, ma belle,
Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble,
Tres bien ensemble.
(The Beatles)
​

My woman is Okay-O.

Actual lyric: My woman from Tokyo.
(Deep Purple "Woman From Tokyo")
​

A new religion that'll bring you to your knees,
like Velveeta Cheese.

Actual lyric:A new religion that'll bring you to your knees,
Black velvet if you please.
(Allanah Myles "Black Velvet")
​

Oh my darling lemon pie.

Actual lyric:Oh my darling, Clementine.
(traditional song)​

Only the good Tyrone.

Actual lyric:Only the good die young.
(Billy Joel)
​

Pay for my Chrysler.

Actual lyric:Paperback writer.
(Beatles)
​

Take the back right turn.

Actual lyric:Paperback writer.
(Beatles)
​

Please relieve me - let me go.

Actual lyric:Please release me, let me go.
(Englebert Humperdinck)​

Pretty Woman, won't you lick my leg.

Actual lyric:Pretty Woman, won't you look my way.
(Roy Orbison)
​

Red, red wine, steak, lobster meat.

Actual lyric:Red, red wine, stay close to me.
(UB-40)
​

Return da Zenda.

Actual lyric:Return to sender.
(Elvis Presley)
​

Reverend Bluejeans.

Actual lyric:Forever in blue jeans.
(Neil Diamond)
​

'Scuse me while I kiss this guy.

Actual lyric:'Scuse me while I kiss the sky.
(Jimi Hendrix)​

Searching for my lost singer from Mars.

Actual lyric:Searching for my last shaker of salt.
(Jimmy Buffett "Margaritaville")
​

Secret Asian man.

Actual lyric:Secret agent man.
(Johnny Rivers)
​

She loved Cheez-Its, and America too.

Actual lyric:She loved Jesus, and America too.
(Tom Petty, "Free Fallin")
​

Since she left me there've been owls pukin' in my bed.

Actual lyric:Since she put me down I 've been out doin' in my head.
(Beach Boys "Help Me Rhonda")
​

She's got a chicken to ride.

Actual lyric:She's got a ticket to ride.
(Beatles)
​

She's got a tick in her eye.

Actual lyric:She's got a ticket to ride.
(Beatles)
​

She's got electric boobs, a mohair too.

Actual lyric:She's got electric boots, a mohair suit.
(Elton John "Benny and the Jets")
​

Slow walkin' Walter.

Actual lyric:Smoke on the water.
(Deep Purple)
​

Snow covered horses.

Actual lyric:Smoke on the water.
(Deep Purple)
​

Stand on the rug.

Actual lyric:Band on the run.
(Wings)
​

Stick your head in lotion.

Actual lyric:I second that emotion.
(Smokey Robinson & The Miracles "I Second That Emotion")
​

Straight arm, straight arm for you.

Actual lyric:Straight on, straight on for you.
(Heart)
​

Sugar fried honey butt.

Actual lyric:Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch.
(Four Tops "Can't Help Myself")
​

Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

Actual lyric:Sweet dreams are made of this.
(The Eurythmics)​

Sweet tell a lie.

Actual lyric:Sweet Caroline.
(Neil Diamond)
​

The ants are my friends, they're blowing in the wind.

Actual lyric:The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
(Bob Dylan)​

The girl with colitis goes by.

Actual lyric:The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
(Beatles)​

The heart of rock and roll is in Cleveland.

Actual lyric:The heart of rock and roll is still beating.
(Huey Lewis and the News)​

Then I saw her face, now I'm gonna leave her.

Actual lyric:Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.
(The Monkees)
​

There's a bathroom on the right.

Actual lyric:There's a bad moon on the rise.
(CCR)​

Through the night, with the light from a bulb.

Actual lyric:Through the night, with the light from above.
("God Bless America")
​

You and me and Leslie.

Actual lyric:You and me endlessly.
(The Young Rascals "Groovin")
​

You have lost your gum forever
dreadful sorry, Clementine.

Actual lyric:You are lost and gone forever
dreadful sorry, Clementine.
(traditional song)​

You made the rice, I made the gravy.

Actual lyric:You may be right, I may be crazy.
(Billy Joel)
​

You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille,
four hundred children and a crop in the field.

Actual lyric:You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille,
four hungry children and a crop in the field.
(Kenny Rogers "Lucille")
​

Went to a dance, lookin' for a man,
Saw Barbara Ann so I thought I'd take a chance.

Actual lyric:Went to a dance, lookin' for romance,
Saw Barbara Ann so I thought I'd take a chance.
(The Beach Boys "Barbara Ann")
​

Wrapped up like a douche.

Actual lyric:Revved up like a deuce.
(Manfred Mann​

 

[Stardust]

WHERE'S Matt these days who started this post? Anyone know, as he sure made me laugh a lot.... I was just thinking about him. []

Anyway, this is a silly little joke if you have a little kid to tell it to.
Who takes Christmas presents to the police stations?
Santa Clues.
HO HO HO ! []
Merry Christmas ~

 

[Stardust]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.[/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel; so, the husband flew to Florida on Thursday with his wife flying down the next day.[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]The husband checked into the hotel and was pleasantly surprised to find a computer in their room; so, he decided to send his wife an email to let her know he had arrived. However, he accidentally mistyped her email address. Not noticing his error, he sent the email.[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after a heart attack.[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]The widow decided to check her email expecting a number of communications from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother unconscious on the floor, and the following email displayed on the computer screen...[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]To: My Loving Wife[/align][/align][/align]Subject: I've Arrived[/align][/align][/align]Date: October 16, 2009[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align][/align]P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!![/align][/align][/align]__[/align][/align][/align] [/align][/align]

 

[Stardust]

Your Special Angel
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room.
Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,
"Things aren't always what they seem"
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife..
After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?
The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.
The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die..
"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.
Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."
"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife I gave him the cow instead.
Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later...
Oooo
Some people ( )
come into our lives ) /
and quickly go.. (_ /


oooO
( ) Some people
( become friends
_ ) and stay awhile...


leaving beautiful Oooo
footprints on our ( )
hearts... ) /
( _/


oooO
( ) and we are
( never
_ ) quite the same
because we have
made a good
friend!!


Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!


I think this is special...live and savor every
moment... This is not a dress rehearsal!
( ()/ )
( / ) TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
( / ) AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
/ SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
/_____ SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU

THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL....
SHE WILL WATCH OVER YOU FOREVER. Never take away ones hope that may be all they have.




[/align]

 

[Steve/sewell]

A elderly man goes to the doctor because he just hasnt been feeling to well lately.The nurse at the window asks him for his medical background and he obliges her.The last items the nurse asks for are a blood,stool,and urine sample to which the man replys:I dont have those today...........To which his wife replies just give her your underwear.[8D]

 

[Stardust]

[][][]Very funny Steve!!! We need laughter.

 

[Stardust]

1+2 = 3

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....[/align]
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room
without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? [/align] [/align][/align][/align]
[/align][/align][/align][/align][/align][/align]WHAT WAS IT?

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Out of the mouths of children, Bless us one and all no matter whom you believe in. Laughter is the best med we will ever find! Wish it came bottled and kept those who took just plain happy.
[/align]

 

[OsiaBoyce]

What does a 300lb. white woman and a bundle of shingles have in common?



There's a 90% chance they'll be nailed by a Mexican.