Funny joke, story, etc post

[pyshodoodle]

PRICELESS WORDS

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.

Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

Moral : Self-induced hangover - $400.00
Broken crockery - $800.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS"

 

[FloridaRecycled]

JOKE OF THE DAY[/align] [/align]A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great...Some asshole's got my pen![/align] [/align] [/align] [/align]I couldn't resist - Have a great weekend![/align]

 

[macwilson]

I love your jokes. I laugh lot while reading these. Thanks for sharing with us.

 

[Kilroy]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This
time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf" say Little Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and ran away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf yet
again. This time crouched down behind a raod sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf" taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you leave me the hell alone! I'm trying to take a crap!"

 

[pyshodoodle]

text message I received from my daughter;

I'm sure glad they found that kid that was supposed to be in the balloon. For a minute I thought Michael Jackson had ordered take-out from heaven.

 

[GeorgiaVol]

[font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]If you ever feel a little bit DUMB , just dig this up and read it again; your confidence will be restored!
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC [font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][/font][/font][/font][/font][/align] [font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"][font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"],,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas..'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet? [/font][/font][/font]

 

[GeorgiaVol]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.[/align] [blockquote] [blockquote] [blockquote]


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.[/align][/align]
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[capsoda]

Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
"Because I run all the body's systems,
so without me nothing woul d happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over
so without me you'd all waste away.." "I should be in charge," said thestomach,"
Because I process food and give
all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs ,
"because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the! rectum
"Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.

They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Th e asshole is usually in charge !!

 

[GeorgiaVol]

aint that the truth[][][][][][][][]

 

[capsoda]

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No-Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pullet-surprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. The Moral.....Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible......