Miracle Cures

[suzanne]

Do you find yourself having trouble paying attention? Stumbling into walls? Have you fallen and can’t get up? Maybe it’s time for you to try Electromax Tonic Water from General Pills Co. and put the ram back in your rod. Doctors don’t want you to know about it! Imbued with natures finest hydroponic homeopathics to rush vital nutrients into your bloodstream - using our one of a kind patented delivery method!

Do you want to fly through the air with the greatest of ease? Leap tall buildings in a single bound? Electromax! The answer to constipation! Cures hangovers, compulsive shopping, obesity, borderline personality disorder, even obnoxious body odor. Everyone can benefit from Electromax Tonic Water!

Now- we at General Pills Co. are so sure you are going to love Electromax - so sure, in fact - that we are going to offer you a free trial. Just fill out the comprehensive health questionnaire below and send 99.99. If you are not absolutely delighted with our wonderful product we will gladly send your money back 7 days from never. And- as an added bonus - If you convince a friend to try Electromax, you get a 100 dollars worth of valuable coupons and they can get scammed too!

This product is not available in stores. Because of unprecedented demand we have a limited supply on hand, so rush your order. Don’t miss out!

Testimonials

My name is Ted and I was so fat I couldn’t get out of bed. My wife put me on a diet of Electromax and now women find me attractive!

I’m Brenda and I was flat-chested. After using Electromax my breasts got so big they got caught in a conveyor belt! I love you, Electromax!

Dear Electromax, I suffered from embarrassing pimples on my butt until I dissolved them with your miraculous product. Thank you Electromax!

Comprehensive health questionairre: Height_____ Weight_____ Credit card number_____

 

[Poison_Us]

Warning! Side affects may include:
Delusions of grandeur and Oily discharge.

 

[suzanne]

The big drug companies are conspiring to keep our wonderful product a secret because when people get well they don't need drugs. The post office is suing us for mail fraud because the government is in on the conspiracy. But we are determined to rush you the help you need, everything from incontinence to virulent halitosis, cured, praise the lord!

 

[Ratzilla]

Just got my order today and was dissapointed to find that the bottles were unembossed(and made of plastic) - they could have been classics! Was further dissapointed when the stuff had no noticable effect on me, possibly because I'm not ill at the moment, so I tossed it over the back fence. The neighbor's yappy little dog got hold of the rest of the bottle and spun around like crazy for a few minutes and then just sort of exploded - rather messy, you might want to put a warning about that in the directions.

 

[suzanne]

We at General Pills test our products riguorously and take no responsibility for the unfortunate incident. He was probably going to blow up anyway.

Dr. Quack

 

[glass man]

Is it ok to snort it?I find I need it every 3 minutes...I NEED MORE MORE MORE!!![8D] JAMIE

 

[suzanne]

5 years later

Dear Glassman:

A class action suit against General Pills involving thousands of people who were duped, ripped off, or otherwise harmed by their products has been settled in court. Your share of the award is 10.60.

To receive the funds you must fill out the form below, sign it, and have it notarized. We will need a copy of your passport, drivers license and social security card and/or birth certificate. We also require copies of a utility bill, rent receipt, or mortgage, so that we can determine you do indeed live at the address you listed. Send a stamped self addressed envelope. If we do not receive this information in a timely manner, your payment may be jeopardized. Yours truly, the Food and Drug Administration

 

[druggistnut]

I have sent my self-addressed stamped envelope.
Heck, that 10.50 will buy a tub of axle grease for the wheelbarrow I have to push in front of me all the time.
Mr. Overly Endowed
(thanks a LOT ElectroMax Tonic Water)

 

[suzanne]

LOL!

 

[glass man]

ORIGINAL: suzanne

5 years later

Dear Glassman:

A class action suit against General Pills involving thousands of people who were duped, ripped off, or otherwise harmed by their products has been settled in court. Your share of the award is 10.60.

To receive the funds you must fill out the form below, sign it, and have it notarized. We will need a copy of your passport, drivers license and social security card and/or birth certificate. We also require copies of a utility bill, rent receipt, or mortgage, so that we can determine you do indeed live at the address you listed. Send a stamped self addressed envelope. If we do not receive this information in a timely manner, your payment may be jeopardized. Yours truly, the Food and Drug Administration

I JUST WANT MORE!!![8D] I think it is still being sold in MEXICO...looks like I will be taking a trip south of the border!![]JAMIE