Any Good Bottle Jokes

[tigue710]

A drunk guy walks up to the bartender and exclaims, "hey, I bet you two hundred bucks that if you put this empty beer bottle on the end of the bar I can stand on the other end and pee into it, without missing drop."... The bartender, telling the drunk he would like to see that, and thinking hes making some easy money takes the bet. He places the bottle at the end of the bar, the drunk crawls up and stands, wobbling at the other end. He undoes is zipper and commences to pee all over the bar, the floor and splatters a couple drops on the bartender for good measure! A littler irritated but happy with his winnings the bartender collects his due. Before they drunk can walk away he asks him, "so tell me, what made you think you could do that?" The drunk replies "I didnt think I could do it, but you see those guys sitting in the corner over there staring at us? I just bet them 5 hundred bucks I could piss all over the bar and not get kicked out!"

 

[Steve/sewell]

ORIGINAL: tigue710

A drunk guy walks up to the bartender and exclaims, "hey, I bet you two hundred bucks that if you put this empty beer bottle on the end of the bar I can stand on the other end and pee into it, without missing drop."... The bartender, telling the drunk he would like to see that, and thinking hes making some easy money takes the bet. He places the bottle at the end of the bar, the drunk crawls up and stands, wobbling at the other end. He undoes is zipper and commences to pee all over the bar, the floor and splatters a couple drops on the bartender for good measure! A littler irritated but happy with his winnings the bartender collects his due. Before they drunk can walk away he asks him, "so tell me, what made you think you could do that?" The drunk replies "I didnt think I could do it, but you see those guys sitting in the corner over there staring at us? I just bet them 5 hundred bucks I could piss all over the bar and not get kicked out!"

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[Steve/sewell]

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

 

[Steve/sewell]

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says you have drunk a whole case of Irish Stout ,and your over the limit and I cant serve you another drop you need to go home and sleep it off. So the Irishman stands up to leave but falls flat on his face. He figures that he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he tries again to stand up and but again falls flat on his face!!. At this point all the Irishman can do is crawl home. When he arrives at home he again tries to stand up, only to fall flat on his face. At this point he realizes he is very drunk and continues to crawl through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one last time to stand up,he fails again and this time he falls right into bed and falls sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to find his wife standing over him shouting. " So you've been out drinking again!!!" " He knows he has but he lies anyway and says no I have doll! Honest Ive been here for hours. " The wife says under her breath Oh yeah, the pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[diggerdirect]

Blonde on a plane

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section, takes a sample bottle of scotch from the tray and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

He then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class drinking scotch, that she belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her softly, "First class isn't going to toronto ".