Funny joke, story, etc post

[glass man]

[][][]

 

[Stardust]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head, "no.."
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"
If you don't tell this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

[] star~[]

 

[Penn Digger]

I have not read this thread/topic before. Maybe this joke is old and has been on here long ago, but I recently received it and like it.

Man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lotto?"

Wife says, "I'd take half and leave your sorry ass."

Man says, "Excellent, I won $12, here's $6, get the f*** out!"

 

[glass man]

DON'T BUY MILLER BEER ! THEY PUT IT IN CAMOUFLGED CANS NOW AND WHEN YOU GET IT HOME YOU CAN'T FIND IT AGAIN![]

 

[Stardust]

Keeper~

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress; lawn mower in his hand, and dish-towel in hers. It was the time for fixing things.. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful.. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away....never to return. So... While we have it.... Its best we love it... And care for it.... And fix it when it's broken...... And heal it when it's sick.

This is true... For marriage.... And old cars.... And children with bad report cards...... Dogs and cats with bad hips.... And aging parents..... And grandparents, aunts and uncles and friends.. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep. Like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.... And so, we keep them close in heart and mind and spirit.
I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've I wanted to share it with people I think of here the same way here....

Yes, you are all keepers! [] [8D] [&:] [] [] [:'(] [] [:-] [&o] [8|] [X(] [>:] [] []

Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there..

 

[GeorgiaVol]

[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]FALL Classes for Women [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]at [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, October 9, [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]2009 [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]

NOTE: DUE TO THEIR COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .


Class 1 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat, [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs, beginning at 7:00 PM. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 2 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion. [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00PM for 2 hours. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 3 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate. [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 4 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 5 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 6 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program--Help Line Support [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]and Support Groups. [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 7 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"].
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 8 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS - [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]USE IT! [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 9 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
I Was Wrong and He Was Right--Real Life Testimonials! [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 10 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations. [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 11 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"].
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Class 12 [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
How to Shop by Yourself. [/font][font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font]
[font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"] [/font] [font="default serif,times new roman,times,serif"]Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued [/font]to the survivors. [font="default sans serif,verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif"]
[/font]

 

[ancientdigger69]

NEW JERSEY LOVE STORY:

A young blond woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean.
She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on th e edge of the pier,
crying.

He took pity on her and said , 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.

That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
in a life boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and
some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
fool and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is", the Captain said.

"This is the Cape May Ferry! "

 

[capsoda]

Weather Service


It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
“Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Remember this story whenever you get advice from a government official!

 

[ancientdigger69]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, Tylenol is the trade name for Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer... it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Stardust]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna