GeorgiaVol
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- May 4, 2008
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Too cute not to share with my fellow Alabamians (and some other folks too)
>
> First you must learn how to pronounce the major cities...Buminham; Huntsvul; Mobeeel.
>
> Driving Information:
> Alabama has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with
> the loudest muffler goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest
> tires goes after that. Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the
> right-of-way anytime.
>
> To find anything in Buminham, it is required that you know
> where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the
> beginning and the end. It may be one of only two 'cloverleaf
> interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid
> enough to implement it again Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit dumber
> than we are.
>
> The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
> hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday evening.
>
> If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least)
> rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male
> and female drivers alike.
>
> You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road.
> They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We
> think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage
> visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.
>
> Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football
> weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a
> race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going anywhere else.
>
> Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama. The barrels are moved
> around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a
> little more interesting.
>
> If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the
> shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was
> 'accidentally activated'. The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph.
> Anything less is considered downright sissy.
>
> I-65 Alabama's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR --
> Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who
> is using a cell phone, applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining
> a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic.. If she is coming
> from north of Buminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of
> Buminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.
>
> Weather Information:
>
> If it's 98 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If
> it's 15-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Buminham
> residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the
> roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with due caution.
>
> Seasonal Informa tion:
>
> If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
>
> If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next
> to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper
> body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.
>
> If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55, it is Fall.
>
> If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.
>
> General Information:
>
> Do not ever speak during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama'
> unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will
> erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who
> gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I
> didn't say 'sold at this event,' but 'present').
>
> Yes, we know that the Vulcan monument is mooning the entire city of
> Buminham. It's not that funny to us anymore, and by now we're used to it.
>
> If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you,
> 'What kind?' This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.
> Pepper, Root=2 0Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'.
>
> All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese
> restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .
>
> Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
>
> There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 of them live in Alabama .
>
> There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama,
> plus a couple no one's seen before..
>
> If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
>
> Oncet and Twicet are words.
>
> It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
>
> People actually grow and eat okra.
>
> 'Fixinto' is one word (sometimes pronounced “fittnaâ€).
>
> There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.
>
> Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking
> it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
>
> Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.
>
> DGeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
>
> You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
>
> You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
>
> You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
>
> You measure distance in minutes.
>
> You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.
>
> All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
>
> You install security lights on your house and garage and leave the doors unlocked.
>
> You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
>
> There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
>
> The local papers cover national and international news on one
> page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
>
> The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
>
> 100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm'.
>
> We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
>
> Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time.
>
> Fried catfish is the other white meat.
>
> We don't need no stinking driver's ed ... if our mama says we
> can drive, we can drive.
>
> EVERYONE can't be a Alabamian; it takes talent. You might say
> it's an art form or a gift from God!
>
> First you must learn how to pronounce the major cities...Buminham; Huntsvul; Mobeeel.
>
> Driving Information:
> Alabama has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with
> the loudest muffler goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest
> tires goes after that. Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the
> right-of-way anytime.
>
> To find anything in Buminham, it is required that you know
> where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the
> beginning and the end. It may be one of only two 'cloverleaf
> interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid
> enough to implement it again Atlanta -- making them only a wee bit dumber
> than we are.
>
> The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush
> hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday evening.
>
> If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least)
> rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male
> and female drivers alike.
>
> You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,' 'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road.
> They just loop around, cutting in and out of each other's path. We
> think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage
> visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.
>
> Always, always, always, find out if it is a race or football
> weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a
> race or football weekend, stay home. You won't be pleasantly going anywhere else.
>
> Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama. The barrels are moved
> around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a
> little more interesting.
>
> If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the
> shoulder immediately to let them know -- you can be sure it was
> 'accidentally activated'. The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph.
> Anything less is considered downright sissy.
>
> I-65 Alabama's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR --
> Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who
> is using a cell phone, applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining
> a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic.. If she is coming
> from north of Buminham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of
> Buminham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.
>
> Weather Information:
>
> If it's 98 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If
> it's 15-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Buminham
> residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the
> roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with due caution.
>
> Seasonal Informa tion:
>
> If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
>
> If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next
> to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper
> body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.
>
> If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55, it is Fall.
>
> If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.
>
> General Information:
>
> Do not ever speak during the song ' Sweet Home Alabama'
> unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will
> erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show 'proper respect' to the band who
> gave us Free Bird. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I
> didn't say 'sold at this event,' but 'present').
>
> Yes, we know that the Vulcan monument is mooning the entire city of
> Buminham. It's not that funny to us anymore, and by now we're used to it.
>
> If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you,
> 'What kind?' This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.
> Pepper, Root=2 0Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'.
>
> All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese
> restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .
>
> Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
>
> There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 of them live in Alabama .
>
> There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama,
> plus a couple no one's seen before..
>
> If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
>
> Oncet and Twicet are words.
>
> It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
>
> People actually grow and eat okra.
>
> 'Fixinto' is one word (sometimes pronounced “fittnaâ€).
>
> There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.
>
> Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking
> it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
>
> Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.
>
> DGeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
>
> You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
>
> You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
>
> You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
>
> You measure distance in minutes.
>
> You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.
>
> All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
>
> You install security lights on your house and garage and leave the doors unlocked.
>
> You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
>
> There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
>
> The local papers cover national and international news on one
> page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
>
> The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
>
> 100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm'.
>
> We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
>
> Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time.
>
> Fried catfish is the other white meat.
>
> We don't need no stinking driver's ed ... if our mama says we
> can drive, we can drive.
>
> EVERYONE can't be a Alabamian; it takes talent. You might say
> it's an art form or a gift from God!
]
