Funny joke, story, etc post

[Wilkie]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and was sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmers mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole.

The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!"

So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my "thingy" and pull yourself up". And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a mercedes to pick up a chick!

 

[ktbi]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around
and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens
balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No,
I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized
that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed
to go, And he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are
you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he
replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did
you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing
so hard!

---Happy Holidays to Everyone.....Ron

 

[Stardust]

[align=center]THESE ARE GREAT EVERYONE![/align][align=center]THE BEST I HAVE RIGHT NOW CAME FROM MATT[/align][align=center]THIS IS A REALLY NICE POST[/align][align=center]WE ALL NEED A GOOD LAUGH RIGHT NOW![/align][align=center]HOPE IT LASTS LIKE THE EVER READY BATTERY[/align][align=center]AND[/align][align=center]GOES ON AND ON......[][/align]

 

[Stardust]

[ul][ul][ul][ul]

[/ul][/ul][/ul][size="+3"]Santa Must be a Woman[/size][ul][ul][ul][ul][size="+1"]The Truth, as We All Know . . . . . . .[/size] [size="+1"]I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off![/size] [size="+1"]For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.[/size] [size="+1"]Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.[/size] [size="+1"]Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.[/size] [size="+1"]Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.[/size] [size="+1"]Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:[/size]
[ul][*] [size="+1"]Men can't pack a bag.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men don't answer their mail.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."[/size][*] [size="+1"]Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.[/size][/ul][size="+1"]I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........[/size] [ul][*] [size="+1"]Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous - definite guy.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Cupid flies around carrying weapons.[/size][*] [size="+1"]Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.[/size][/ul][size="+1"]Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.[/size] [size="+1"]But not St. Nick. Not a chance.[/size][/ul][/ul][/ul][/ul][/ul]

 

[cc6pack]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'


You must now refer to them as


APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a


'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes


' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT HOOKER' - She is a


' LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERLY CAUCASIAN '


3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

 

[cyberdigger]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer and then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

 

[Stardust]

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE AT THE HOSPITAL TOLD ME THIS:

WHAT DOES SANTA LIKE BEST ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE NAUGHTY GIRLS LIVE.
H[], H[], H[], H[8D]

 

[tigue710]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![]

this is a fun joke if ya can do a good Irish accent...

two Irish gents are sitting at a bar in Boston drinking, when the first over hears the second ordering his drink...

he says to the second, "scuse me lad, but do I hear a wee bit of an accent in yer voice?"

to which the second replies "why yes, yes ya doo!"

"well then" says the first, "if ya doen mind me askin, where in Ireland do ya hail from?"

to which replies the second "why the county Cork, Blarney to be exact"

to which the first replies "why Im from Blarney, county Cork!!! I grew up on St. Mary's Street!"

to which the second replies "Why I grew up on St. Mary's street too! There are but three houses on St Marys street, if ya doen mind me askin, which house did ya grow up in?"

The first replies "why the second house, second floor" to which the second replies, "I grew up in the second house on the second floor!, lord almighty!"

Just at this moment the bartenders are changing shifts. The new bartender asks the old, "anything much happen today Jim?" To which Jim replies, no, nothing much, but the Murphy brothers are drunk again!

 

[cc6pack]

Boudreaux and the crabgrass

Boudreaux was paddling his pero down on the bayou and he passed by Thibodaux's camp.

Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

Boudreaux say, "Crabgrass- Me gonna go catch me some crabs, me."

Thibodaux laughs and say, "You fool, you can't catch crabs with crabgrass."

An hour later Boudreaux comes back with a boat load of crabs and show them to Thibodaux.



The next day Boudreaux was paddling his pero and passed by Thibodaux's camp again.

Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

Boudreaux say, "Duck-tape- Me gonna go catch me some ducks, me."

Thibodaux laughs and say, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duck-tape."

An hour later Boudreaux comes back with a boat load of ducks and show them to Thibodaux.



The next day Boudreaux was paddling his pero and passed by Thibodaux's camp again.

Thibodaux ax, "What dat you got in that pero."

Boudreaux say, "Pussiwillow."

Thibodaux say, "Wait a minute, I'm going wid you. "

 

[GeorgiaVol]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 *Louisville Sentinel* contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store , don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?
You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable
Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll
took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled
for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her in to the
dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang
on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I p assed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet
his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health!


And may you be healthy this New Year, even if it takes duct tape to do it!!!!