Funny joke, story, etc post

[GeorgiaVol]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists --two men and a woman. For the final test,
the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill Her!!'


The candidate said,'You can't be serious. I
could never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5
minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes.
'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'


The agent said, 'You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife home.'




Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on
the walls.


After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly, and here stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her
brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I
had to beat him to death with the chair.'




MORAL:




Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!

 

[GeorgiaVol]

LOVE THIS!!!


Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided
to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed
the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE![/align]

 

[OsiaBoyce]

A 6 & 4 yo decided to take up cussing. The 6 yo says "I'm gonna use heck and you use butt when we talk to mom" At breakfast the mother ask the 6 yo what he wants for breakfast. "Aw heck ma just gimme some Lucky Charms" she slaps him across the floor and sends him to his room. She then ask the 4yo what he wants. He says "I don't know but ya can bet your fat butt it want be Lucky Charms."

 

[pyshodoodle]

Saw this bumper sticker today and had to take a picture.[]

 

[GeorgiaVol]

The World’s Funniest Real Ads
Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

 

[whitefeather]

To cc6pack I just read what you wrote I was laughing so hard I could not see the screen... thanks

A Blondes tex -message
Can you help me? I have locked my keys in the car and it is raining and the windows are down. From my 8 year old grandaughter who is aa blonde.


Whitefeather

 

[ktbi]

GeorgiaVol - I liked those. Reminds me one I heard:

For sale: Ex-Wife, take over payments...

Ron

 

[GeorgiaVol]

This is a hoot ...
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'...

In order to continue getting-by in a multi-cultural society, we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'.

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and the room-service operator somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : 'Morrin. Roon sirbees.'

Guest : 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

Room Service: ' . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???'

Guest: 'Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?'

Guest: '....What??'

Room Service: 'Ow July den?!?.. Pryed, boyud, poochd?'

Guest: 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.'

Room Service: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

Guest: 'Crisp will be fine.'

Room Service: 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

Guest: 'What?'

Room Service: 'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

Guest: 'I... Don't think so.'

RoomService: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes???'

Guest: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RoomService: 'Toes! Toes!..Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

Guest: 'Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RoomService: 'We bodder?'

Guest: 'No, just put the bodder on the side.'

RoomService: 'Wad?!?'

Guest: 'I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.'

RoomService: 'Copy?'

Guest: 'Excuse me?'

RoomService: 'Copy...tea..meel?'

Guest: 'Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.'

RoomService: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .. Rye

Guest: 'Whatever you say.'

RoomS ervice: 'Tenjooberrymuds.'

Guest: 'You're welcome'

Remember I said 'By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' '.....and you do, don't you!

 

[pyshodoodle]

Yes I do! That was good! and interesting how your brain learns. This is a fun thread! Kate

 

[OsiaBoyce]

Feller has a seat a the lunch counter beside his bud. Notices his friend just staring at a bowl of chilie. This goes on for 5 mins.. "Well if you're not gonna eat it I am.". He grabs the bowl and munches down, gets to the bottom and sees a dead mouse and pukes it all back into the bowl. His bud looks over at him and says "That's as far as I got too."